low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
