I just saw a hot homeless man
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize