I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
