I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
