we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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