Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
