Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
