My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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