I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
