WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
