sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
