Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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