nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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