Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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