Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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