we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
