there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
