Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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