The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
