Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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