My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
