He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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