He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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