pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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