hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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