you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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