WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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