my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
