I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Don't tell me you're on acid again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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