i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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