The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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