the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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