I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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