I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
