I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
