I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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