After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
