I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
