he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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