Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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