Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
