my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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