I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
