You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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