I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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