So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
whose ass print is on the piano?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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