everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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