he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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