she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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