70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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