My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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