I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
