so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
