I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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