Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
