Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
