Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
