The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
