I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Found the puke drawer
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
